My wife and I aren’t a textbook couple. We’ve had some pretty nasty arguments that - in the moment - make me feel certain I am not qualified to write an article like this. And we’ve learned (and unlearned) a lot of painful truths along the way.
Marriage is the hardest and most important thing I’ve ever done.
That’s why I think it’s worth discussing as a fellow traveller. So, in that spirit, here are 10 things I’ve found helpful to create deeper connection after more than a decade of marriage:
Read the temperature gauge - Maybe you’re excited to be married. Maybe you’re not. Maybe you see your environment as a problem (or maybe your spouse!) Take a second to get a feel for the pulse of things. As Buechner says in his memoir The Sacred Journey, notice your life. That’s going to help you with every step to come.
Do not scorn the small stuff - If you’re like me, it's instinctive for you to chase big wins in your relationship: moments that reward you in the immediate. But as Gandalf says to Frodo, “I have found it is the small things, everyday deeds of ordinary folk, that keep the darkness at bay. Simple acts of kindness and love.” It may not come naturally to you (it didn’t for me) but a million tiny celebrations have more potential for goodness than one giant, heavy expectation.
Encouragement costs nothing - I’m embarrassed to admit this, but I used to dislike it when my wife thanked me for doing the dishes. “I’m just doing the job that needs to get done,” I would reply, a bit annoyed. Deep down I was embarrassed that I didn’t thank her for doing simple tasks around the house. She was demonstrating to me what simple gratitude could look like. And in a long-term marriage, the necessary tasks get done over and over and over again. “Thank you” creates a positive culture.
Your phone is an active agent - Phones are pocket portals into limitless worlds and they are NOT designed to support you during intimate moments with your partner. My wife and I have had a difficult (and on-going) dialogue about when and where and how our phones should be present in our relationship and lives at large. When conducted with sensitivity and judgment-free vocabulary, I think these conversations should keep happening. The conclusions you arrive upon are secondary, in my opinion. It’s the dialogue that’s crucial.
You’re not the same person you were - Neither is your partner. The world is a vastly different place than when you first met and you’re evolving within it. That’s why you must fall in love all over again with the love of your life. And the best way to do that is to get curious. You THINK you know them. But we are complex creatures. Train yourself to look with fresh eyes and ask questions like, “What’s an area you’d like to grow into?” or “I never fully appreciated that about you, tell me more!” Get curious.
Physical touch is presence, not always pleasure - The first time you touched, you may have felt “electricity”. But after years of being together, the spark may not be there any more. That’s ok. I have learned a couple meaningful ways my wife enjoys physical touch, and I try to decide to do them as acts of love whether I feel like it or not. If we shift our perspective from pleasure to presence, then every act of physical touch becomes a promise: here I am. I am for you. I am with you. I choose you.
Keep coming back to your core - Connecting to your Creator, with your spouse, is the bedrock of relationship. I have found this to be incredibly difficult, but also one of the only things that I can be consistently sure of. For me, it typically looks like a conversation or decision made together. The conversation has intention, and it breaks the “normal” flow of things by introducing Jesus into the content. He is disruptive! And often leads to action: “in light of X we will give Y” or “because of situation A, let’s ask God for B”. When the swirling, confusing clouds of chaos surround me, I have found that I never regret resting my soul - and my relationship - in the arms of the One who made me and invented Relationship.
Rituals are rewarding - I’m not a big ritual guy… but my wife is. Thanks to her I’ve grown to appreciate how powerful they can be. They’re like little signposts on the road to flourishing. In no particular order, here are a few we practice: we have Friday night movie night as a family; we have dinner together phone-free as often as possible; she and I touch base after putting the kids to sleep; and we’re trying to make the most of holidays like Christmas and Easter by being intentional with how they are celebrated in our house. We’re learning together. And I think that’s what it’s all about. Not doing all the right rituals, but who you become in the process of trying.
Get better at conversation - I’ve mentioned encouragement, but conversation is another art altogether. It’s an entire discipline like cooking or engineering or badminton. You can practice it. You can study it. You can get better at it. Especially to my male friends out there: your spouse, friends, colleagues and/or parents would love it if you became a better conversationalist. Demonstrate curiosity. Be vulnerable. Externally demonstrate the fact that you care about what is being communicated. And assume the best in the person you’re looking at.
Communicate your needs - To keep a marriage self-supporting and mutually thriving, both parties need to participate. But this is very hard to do well, at least for me. I used to be hesitant to speak up about what I needed, and after bottling it up, then it would lash out as bitterness or anger. But I’m slowly learning: to love is to will the good of another, and in this case, the good of our spouses. In a committed marriage, that goes both ways. The only way someone can know what you need to be loved is if you tell them.
I want you to know I’m cheering for you. I believe in you and your relationship. Here’s to us fellow travelers on the marriage road continuously and creatively showing up in our actual lives for the betterment of those around us.
Here’s to you.
